Illustration courtesy of Ruth Pickering
The way we use Facebook is ever-changing throughout the years as more and more social media platforms are launched. Who needs to read a status when you can see a caption on Instagram with a filtered-beyond-all-recognition picture instead? But no matter how long you leave it until you decide to log back into Facebook, some things will just always be the same upon your return. How many of the following examples do you recognise from your friends lists?
The Attention Seeker
Amy has “checked in” at the Hospital. The accompanying status reads “Oh my god – can’t believe what happened! So shaken up and scared” – she chucks in various emoji’s to let us know the true extent of her plight. Someone she hasn’t seen since Year 11 comments “you okay hun? Xx” – Amy replies “Yeah I’m fine, don’t worry about it!”. What do you mean you’re fine? Obviously, you’re not…And the people that don’t know you very well are all reading this, please let us know what kind of drama happened; I’m on my lunch break and could do with some light reading. Don’t be so selfish, Amy. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’LL INBOX THEM LATER?
The Narcissist
Jamie has just finished a work out. Naturally, he wants everyone to know this. Otherwise, just what’s the point in going to the gym if that person you met in Zante and still have on Facebook to this day doesn’t know about it? Up goes a picture of him in gym gear. “9th workout in 9 days done! Not showing any sign of slowing down either #gainz” – That’s nice Jamie dear. Remember, muscles can’t buy you friends.
The Rayban Tagger
Getting tagged in a photo of a load of Raybans for sale. Nah, you’re alright mate, haven’t seen you since we were 12, most people start with “Hello!”.
The OTT Sickening Relationship
You know – those couples who’ve only been together a few months who call each other sickening names like “pudding” or “pumpkin” in constantly uploaded pictures and heartfelt posts dedicated to them every time they do the washing up. They can’t leave the house without a Pic Stitch collage going up confessing how hard the last 7 minutes have been. We get it, you’re in love, now stop with the poetry and get in an argument with them so we can all read about it. (DISCLAIMER: THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE IS PAINFULLY SINGLE AND BITTER)
The Middle-Aged Mother
You’ve got your friends Mum on Facebook. You know this because almost every other day, her and the rest of Mumsnet will flock to comment on a meme she shared about needing a big glass of wine.
“I could do with a big one too…….. A glass I mean! Hehe ;-)”
“Oh Sue! You are SO funny! Hugs to you and the boys!”
The Part-time Politician / Full-time Farmviller
Mark loves Farmville. You know he does because he’s very proud of his crops and his sheep and all that farmy jazz. He invites you to play it every week but you deny his requests because you like to think you have some kind of life. But…what’s this? An election is coming? Mark puts down the cyber fertiliser to post his political propaganda and his calls to end terrorism. “It needs to STOP!” – and just like that, we have world peace. Well done Mark.
The Vague
You’re scrolling through your feed trying to avoid the countless Herbalife Harry’s and “my kid did a thing look how cute my kid doing the thing is” posts, until you come across a gem like “Great, I really need this don’t I. Thanks a lot” – Who is this person thanking? What do they really need? Come on, don’t leave it there! TAG THE MONSTER! How will we ever know what’s wrong? What will – oh wait, hang on, I’ve stopped caring and I’ve scrolled past. Kevin’s having another kid, isn’t that nice.
The Humble Bragger
A picture of hot dogs or legs on a beach somewhere. The sun beautifully beaming away in the background “How’s your view?” Michelle asks. Well, ‘Chelle, seeing as you’re asking, it’s pretty crap actually – I’m currently looking at a picture of someone who’s never paid for their own holiday, thanks for asking.
The Minion Quote Poster
“I love my children more than anything” – that’s lovely but why is that quote on a picture with a cartoon minion next to it? What’s the relevance? What exactly does the yellow creature add to the equation here? They’re everywhere with so many famous quotes attached to them – it really takes away from everything brilliant Winston Churchill ever said if people start thinking Dave the minion said it.
That Person Who Really Loves Cars
James never uses Facebook, he never likes anything, he never comments on anything, yet the one thing you can rely on is the sporadic changing of his profile picture to a fancy sports car. Nice one James, but we can tell it’s not yours because I saw you last week driving a Fiat Punto. And we can see Ronaldo in the driver’s seat.
Paul Gold
Twitter: @PaulGold92